Decrees of the Grand High Order of Glitter Guns

Guideline 578 - Celebrate

2011-08-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

What you can. When you can. As much as you can.

Law 100 - Do Not be a Bitch

2011-08-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

Okay so lately I've gone off the bitch end. I've even promised my fella that I'll start attending anger management groups. I do need 'em. In the meantime I need to manage myself without any therapeutic assistance.

Today (yest technically, whatev) I crossed over from normal me to ZOMG BITCH quicker than I thought possible. I tried to calm and center with a detailing bubble bath. Somehow even though I had soaked, washed, scrubbed, shaved, lotioned, and dressed in fresh cute jammies...I still kinda wanted to stab eyeballs.

So I thought, okay I'll try a nap. And I did try. I got cozy...a serious process of pillow order and blankie placement. The cat even joined, he knows the look of a proper sleep when he sees one.

But all that bitchiness kept swirling around and around in my head. Feeding itself. Its like one little bit of negattivity can spawn the hatred of war if left unchecked. I had to check myself before I wrecked myself.

I got up and tossed my journal, a few colors of pens, cigarettes, and phone in my purse. After cashing in speedy rewards for a free pop I found a sufficiently vacant yet visible parking lot to sit in my car and journal in. I've been doing that lately. Its helpful.

When I started to write it was the situation, though the tone in my head while I wrote definitely was bitchy. At the end, several pages later I realized with an energy efficient light bulb over my head that the core issue was NOT at all what I left home thinking it was. And...I was at fault. I started it, then I bitched out a little down the line.

Sigh.

The odd thing is that I'm pretty sure I could not have figured thaat out without removing myself from the situation for a bit. So I whipped up a tri-colored index card apology of heartfelt remorse. And I know that doesn't fix anything, but it did open a thin line of communication.

Law 54237 - Stupid Questions Deserve Stupid Answers

2011-08-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

Your teachers in high school lied.

It helps if the stupid answer is actually plausible, or the asking individual has no point of reference to argue your stupid answer.

Recently my cousin and I were on a (really fricking long) road trip. We get on well, and as she's my moms age and kinda moms bff I'm starting to suspect I learned much of my humor from this cousin.

So we're high speeding down to family drama we didn't yet know of, when I blow my nose. She uncharicteristically asks me a personal question in a gentle voice. "How come you and your mom blow your noses so loudly?" I turn to my cousin who is driving with both feet on the dashboard, with cruise control on, and I decide to give no thought to this tenderly asked stupid question. I replied, "Have you seen the size of these honkers? You try to quietly clean out a wind tunnel." We laughed, and even though I blow my nose a lot she has not mentioned the noise, or asked about it again.

Law 234 - Size Matters

2011-07-31T03:45:00.000-07:00

But rarely. Like pretty much only when you need to know what size range to try on in the store fitting room. Because most of us fluctuate anyway.

And aside from that size doesn't seem to matter.

If you notice a person is shrinking and looks healthy they tend to like compliments on that. Health is good. People do feel better as they shed some pounds, I know.

Still I can't say its ever anyones size that maters. Its how they feel physically, and their self esteem. I've known gorgeous bodied women too down on themselves to rock it. And not your ttypical hotties that rocked it hard.

Size, weight, inches, they're just numbers. A number won't bring happiness, even if its delicately small, or money huge. Numbers may incite a brief surge of emotion...but alone change absolutely nothing.

The things that matter can't even be measured.

Law 58 - Let a sleeping man sleep

2011-07-31T00:19:00.000-07:00

The committee, has unanumously voted not to be anyones alarm clock, ever. Unless unintentionly, in which case apologies are in order.

Unlike McDonalds commercials would have us believe...people do not generally wake up beaming smiles. I have seen a lot of the opposite however.

There's anxiety in waking someone. Are they having a shity dream that will carry over to wakey time? How about a fighting dream? Is my life on the line here? Are they a mean waker? Perhaps some good morning insults for flavor? There's no interest.

Okay, okay.
Never ever is unrealistic. When the clock is tick tocking toward your loves work departure time the anxiety will have to be faced. But, when possible declining is always okay. No thanks, doesn't your phone have anarm? I can help you learn to use it, if you'd like.

Law 3754 - Be Nice

2011-07-31T00:03:00.000-07:00

As often as is possible. To as many other people as possible. To strangers, family and people inbetween. Be nice. To animals. To plants, the Earth we reside upon. To yourself. Be nice. Project as much kindness into the world as you can.

If you cannot project kindness settle for a minimum of polite nice. Quick is okay if its nice. Going out of your way with nice is great. Just surely never miss the opportunity under your nose. Quite possibly those are the most deserving.

Law 893 - Don't Steal

2011-07-30T04:55:00.000-07:00

Expunged record as a minor? What? Yeah I was arrested for stealing a pack of Marlboros back when that was possible. I was 13, and it was the lightest, cheapest shoplifting trip I had done I weeks, but I was running late for school. Thank God.

The punishment wasn't that bad. Well the legal one, I mean. The home one first set off the rebel in me...and I was worse for a minute. But then something slowly clicked into opposite zone.

I gave pennies like I was made of the bitches, but wouldn't take one unless I had ransacked my purse thoroughly first. Once only I found a penny in my car to replace it in the give/take tray. I realized instantly I was being stupid with that, too far.

For a very long time if a cashier overlooked something I was about to buy I said nothing. I surely noticed though, as I diligently watched for overcharges. I would take my mixture of paid for and stolen goods out to my car with a smilme, and lirerally say a prayer to thank God for the gifts. Cause I guess God wants to stick it to the manas well as save me a few bucks.

I can't recall why exactly I switched gears full on that first time. It was a weird time in my life. Exactly when I started to take charge of it about 6 or 7 years ago. Hmmm, connections.

It was at the post office. I was a huge mailer back in those days. The clerk overlooked a book of stamps he'd already given me. I paid, saw my receipt, and had him ring the stamps up. Walking out of that strip mall post office I felt a little cleansed. So now, to some peoples besilderment and one in particulars annoyance, but my own something good - I always notice and pay for what I was gonna buy. Duh. Its just a bit of a struggle still...and the something good tastes so much less sweet when I went to the store with the most economical stretch of ten bucks. It woulda been fine but now I'm thinking about that four dollars and what I might have done with it.

I...stuck to my guns. Even in a gray area. Even in a poor area with four bucks on the line. I'm not entirely sold at times, to be for real with you. I was pissed that day. It was not a self torture pissed, it was an everything ever is dumb pissed. But, who fucking knows? Maybe I banked some karma?

Theft of any kind even so called grey area will stain your glitter. Thoughts of it, even the strruggly ones are forgiven when no theft takes place.

Law 456 - Party Food-

2011-07-30T03:55:00.000-07:00

-Try to have a s,nack before going. You don't know when they'll eat or if it'll be appealing.

-Wait to get in line until the rush has passed.

-Feast, but only what you can do with one plate.

-Always accept if take home food is offered. Even if you don't personally want to eat it, chances are high someone else will.

-Asking for take home food is only okay when the stars have aligned to make it so. Everyone must have eaten well already, it must be late enough that late arrivals will be expected to have eaten. The party crowd shouldn't be known gossipers, presumed to be looking for something on you.

-Last bit above can only be ignored in cases where you wish to take a plate to someone else.

What and why?

2011-07-30T03:34:00.000-07:00

Morals, ethics, codes of conduct these things are all very individualized. I'm pretty sure most people have wondered how someone who does (perceived good thing) could also do (perceived bad thing).

For most likely the wrong or even made up reasons to avoid actual issues I've been traveling a self torturous at times road to redemption for years. Times change, people do, who we surround ourselves with does. Though I'm a lot more loosey goosey go with the flow than most people...when it comes even still to a few little things I don't budge. Because when I have budged I haven't been able to skip my uniquely special flavors of self torture.

Id like to though. So I remind myself what's up when needed, and why. I keep myself in line to avoid the torture I wouldn't know how to avoid because all of it would take place in my head.

Recently I've been more and more often in situations where someone is asking why I'm doing something. Seems like a no brainer in the opposite direction to them. Most often its with my boyfriend, sometimes my mom or friends. The people I spend the most time with seem to be finding my behavior peculiar.

Admittedly I have applied new elements.

I've been calling it banking karma. Which if it really is a thing, I'm probably still digging myself out of the hole. I started by trying to project positivity in comfortable ways. Id smile and wave someone into traffic, or give the corner sign holder an enthusiastic thumbs up. I still do those, and took it up. I've made friendly with the cashiers where I frequent, first name/how's that thing going basis. That was looking up and seeing so many complainers. My bf is a cashier, he gets shift after shift of complainers. Like barstool therapy drive thru. But cashiers probably hate that shit, I would...I did. So I changed my customer approach. And some cashiers look happy to see me. There's positivity andd good feelings in that.

Karma...I admit here and now I use the word loosely bendy and entirely to suit my own needs. Inspired, as it were, by Earl Hicky.

I do not dig organized religion. I have a throbbing at times case of Christian guilt. I'm basically a very hopeful agnostic. But in conversations about religion and spirituality I'm way too eager to play devils advocate no matter the issue because who's to say what could be?

Back to the matter at hand.
One day Blake was particularly amused and befuddled about something I wouldn't budge on. I did try explaining, as I drove to an event I was nervous about. After one or follow 2 up questions,and the impression I could not explain, I told him it was a rule. No, a law actually. Law number 4673 in agreement of the high order of glitter council. Yeah it was a way more bitchy than is ever necessary way of saying let's drop it. On the bright side the thought of a council making up silly, mundane, detailed, stringent rules to explain what I'm arlady doing seemed, though born of bitchiness to have evolved into something deliciously humorous. To me at least.

Carry on.

The situation here is this:

In the process of attempting to explain something trivial I wouldn't budge on, I announced that I couldn't do it because it was against the codes and rules of the glitter committee, rule #4,672 actually. And as a member in high standing I did not wish to jeopardize my position. So Blake let it go, but after 5 years together he's kinda used to my shit.

Unfortunately I don't even remember the silly first rule. But the order of glitter guns idea amused me enough to stay in my head, evolve and...this was invented.